Ask.
Don’t just do it.
It can cause more harm than good.

Father’s day is coming up.
I lost my father a few years ago.
Still, the sadness lives in me.
Quietly. Constantly.


But some leaders don’t realise that.
If they did, they wouldn’t be authorising their teams to send fathers day emails to all their clients as the day approaches us.

Two marketing emails landed in my inbox.

One was from a restaurant.
The other, from a hotel chain.
Both invited me to share “a pint of beer with Dad”.

What they didn’t know was that both emails arrived on the exact anniversary of the day my father died — in my arms.
And that I’ve spent years supporting families affected by addiction. I’ve seen what drinking can destroy.

So a “free pint with Dad” hits ugly. It was the pint that punched me.
It represents addiction and death for some. Not exactly the vision their marketing team had in mind but this is someone’s reality. A human life that matters, that someone in the team.

For me, I work on my mindset daily – so it hit more in my empathy for others on the receiving end of this promo email from these giant organisations. Surely someone knows of someone whose parent passed away or they know or are someone who has been affected by addiction?

Now I’m wondering…
* if their leaders are feared and nobody in the team wanted to say anything.
* whether they have a diverse marketing team who share different perspectives.
* if their workplace is setup for sharing of thoughts, ideas and the freedom to express.

Did they mean well? Probably.

But not everyone is in the same place.

Some have wonderful parents.
Some had absent ones. Some had destructive ones.
Some are navigating grief, as I am.
Some are recovering from the effects of someone else’s drinking.

Intent doesn’t erase impact.
This well known restaurant and hotel group had a warm celebratory intent, but the impact was not.

This was a leadership fail that landed with a thump to my heart and a knife to my chest.
As I think of those two big brands, they’ve gone down in my estimation.

And the same thing can happen for us if we don’t ask first.
There is a time and place for this.

This same thing happens inside teams right?

We mean well as leaders.
We want to recognise our people. Reward them. Celebrate them.

But without precision, even praise can land badly.

Because not everyone wants to be celebrated the same way:

☑️ Some love public praise.
☑️ Others prefer a quiet note.
☑️ Some value bonuses. Others, flexibility.
☑️ Some want regular feedback. Others find it overwhelming.

If you don’t ask, you ASS-ume.
And as the saying goes, you make an ASS out of U and ME.
That’s where good intentions go wrong.

High performance is about precision.

In this case, it’s simple: Ask first.

A question to add that’s good to ask yourself, and your team members, could be as simple as:
• How do you prefer to be recognised for your work?
• What kind of support helps you perform at your best?
• What energises you in your role vs what drains you?
• What does a good day at work look like for you?
• Are there any processes that are making your job harder than it needs to be and what do you think could improve it?

And my personal favourite:
“What team-building event would appeal to you?”

We’ve all been on them and rolled our eyes…when you know, you know…

So where in your leadership are you assuming, when you could be asking instead?

One question.
Big shift.
Massive impact.

And a big opportunity for us all to reflect on and lead with more precision and care.

Think back to the people you’ve managed, or been managed by.

📌 What’s one thing you were asked (or asked someone else) that made all the difference?